Joe Sports Fan

Cutting hair for charity at Busch Stadium today? Good luck, Great Clips

Josh Bacott — Tue, 15 May 2012 16:36:00 GMT

Of the many promotional tie-ins that the Cardinals mix into the gameday experience, not many have caught our attention like the one happening at Busch Stadium today:

Charity Haircuts in the Plaza sponsored by Great Clips: During the game, fans can root on their team and shape up their roots with a visit to Ford Plaza for Great Clips’ Charity Haircuts. For a $10 donation, Great Clips- who is sponsoring the event every weekday afternoon game during the season - will cut your hair and donate all proceeds to Cardinals Care.

The barbers that Great Clips has on hand today better be amongst the most skilled in their profession. From our experience at the ballpark, they'll be tested with a variety of styles including potential specimens such as these:

If they're able to successfully shape the hair of thousands of diverse Cardinals fans, then the rest of the stadium will just have to accept it as a fair trade-off when they look down and find hair clippings have drifted into their 24 oz. Busch.

It's for charity, man. Deal with it.

Albert Pujols Jersey Modifications, Round Two

Matt Sebek — Tue, 15 May 2012 04:00:00 GMT

Approximately a month ago, we summarized the best modified Albert Pujols jerseys that strolled into Busch Stadium at the Home Opener on April 13th. Unlike Albert Pujols' offensive productivity this season, the jersey modification trend is heating up.

We won't say fans are getting more creative, but the general population is definitely getting more ambitious with their use of duct tape.

If you're thinking that we helped create this Schadenfreudistic beast by providing a public platform for these animals, we completely agree with you.

WHO! #5

"Whojols" has become a popular moniker around St. Louis lately. This gentleman stepped outside of those bounds a bit by simplifying his modified Pujols jersey to "WHO!" But, we're wondering why he chose an exclamation point, instead of a question mark. Why is his jersey yelling at us?

Regardless, we're giving this miscreant a few extra point for using stencil letters. You hate to use the word "classy" when it involves duct tape and Sharpie markers, but dammit, if this guy didn't try. He's a pioneer in crappy jersey modifications.

GOD #5

This particular photo submission was bittersweet at the JoeSportsFan Corporate Office. You see, we captured GOD #5 at Busch Stadium a few years ago and remember thinking that Albert Pujols' stardom in St. Louis had no limits. And then, well, you know. How things have changed. Citizens of the Gateway City are even disbanding their religious beliefs.

Furcal and Waino

"Hey, brah. I got tickets to the Cardinals game today. You in? Cool. You better show up with a modified Pujols jersey. So, what? Tell your Dad to buy a new roll of electrical tape."

Point subtracted to the gentleman on the right for creating a modified jersey using a player's nickname.

Got Yadi?

In our first column that documented modified Pujols creations, we saw a few shirseys in the mix. Our official analysis: it's a little heartless. Basically, you're saying, "Yeah, Pujols wronged me, but I'm not willing to destroy my $300 personalized jersey. Instead, I'll alter this $15 tee that I got from Walmart." You have to bring the heat people; take on a little risk.

That being said, this fella made us chuckle. Yes, yes we do. As a matter of fact, we do have Yadi. Extra points awarded for finding stickers that matched the shirt's original font.

PUJOLS

We've seen this particular creation time and time again. But we haven't seen a sleeveless version. Or one coupled with camouflage shorts. That's hardcore. Then again, we're guessing this particular guy had his sleeves cut-off long before Pujols signed a free agent contract with the Angels.

PUJOL$ GREED

Like the gentlemen above, this guy gets zero points on the creativity scale, but does receive a few extra Art and Crafts bonus points for an ambition to pick up a baseball stencils and some super glue from the local Hobby Lobby.

(via @ReadingRedbirds)

GARCIA #54

Um, yeah. That's a lot of electrical tape. That jersey must weigh 75 lbs.

And can we put a little effort into lining up artificial numbers these days, kids? Sheesh. That looks like 5⁴, which equals 625.

(via @AngieManny)

FU JOLS #5

This is our favorite of the bunch, simply because of its efficiency. With no added expense for tape or trinkets, this guy simply knocked a small portion of the "P" off his original personalized jersey, and boom, FU JOLS. Great stuff.

(via @MSchoeck)

PUJOLS FREESE #5 #23

Oh, boy. Let us count the ways.

Shirsey. Sleeveless. Tucked into jean shorts. Several visible tattoos. At this point, people aren't even trying. Let's just say we're impressed this guy spelled "FREESE" correctly.

Vegas is pretty sure the Rams will suck again in 2012

Josh Bacott — Mon, 14 May 2012 14:57:00 GMT

If you’re an NFL gambling degenerate, last week was a big week. If you’re an NFL gambling degenerate who is also a die-hard Rams fan, last week was also sort of depressing.

Last week, Cantor Gaming, the entity that operates numerous casino sports books in Las Vegas, released their opening lines for each week of the NFL season. Early May might be just a tad bit early to predict how a game being played in October might unfold, it’s still notable to see where their heads are at regarding 2012 matchups.

For Rams fans, it’s not good.

With Jeff Fisher and Les Snead taking the reigns, Sam Bradford looking to bounce back from a disappointing 2011, a high ceiling draft class coming in, and a fan base that had a full season to learn the “Rams Rules”, one might figure that an improvement over last year’s 2-14 record is reasonable.

Turns out that Vegas thinks 2-14 is just about right. The early lines have the Rams as an underdog in 13 games.

As for the widest spread, let’s just say that the huge contingent of hardcore Rams fans in London might be slightly insulted by the line against the Patriots when the teams arrive for their first inaugural trip across the Atlantic Ocean:

The two games the Rams are favored in? Week 5 at home against Arizona (-1) and Week 15 at home against the Vikings (-3).

For those fans looking for some miniscule glimmer of hope, the lines aren’t always accurate. In 2011, the Rams were 2-14 overall, but their covers against the 49ers and Bengals, led to an impressive 4-12 record against the spread.

Sure, last year was dismal, and the mere thought of another 2-14 season enhances that feeling, but if you think a company like Cantor Gaming knows their stuff, at least Rams fans have the sweet Week 2 “pick ‘em” game against the Redskins to look forward to.

Highlight of the season…another potentially depressing season.

Video proof that Albert Pujols is a crotchety old man

Josh Bacott — Thu, 10 May 2012 14:12:00 GMT

If you're a teammate of Albert Pujols when he's in the middle of a slump, it's probably in your best interests not to play a prank on him in the high five line. Even if the prank is as minor as slapping him on the elbow.

Do it and you might catch a first baseman's mitt in the face. Just ask Erick Aybar:

(h/t Midwest Sports Fans)

We are obviously tempted to drop a cliche'd "get off my lawn" joke since that's the hallmark of the crotchety old man that Pujols has seemingly morphed into over the years, but Albert is staying with his agent Dan Lozano in LA meaning there are probably multiple hookers passed out on his lawn every morning, so it's a whole different type of joke.

JSF Power Rankings: Worst St. Louis Sweeps

Josh Bacott — Mon, 07 May 2012 14:06:00 GMT

Sometimes, the final game in a series sweep is almost merciful. Yesterday was no different. The Kings had thoroughly dominated the Blues since the opening period of Game 1 and it was humane for the Kings to put St. Louis out of its misery.

A Blues win may have kept them on life support, but there was little hope of the dramatic 180 that was necessary to take the series to seven games.

To prolong our depression even more, today we break out the JSF Power Rankings to see where the Kings-Blues series falls in the worst sweeps in St. Louis sports history:

5.) 2008-09 Blues

After sneaking into their first postseason since 03-04, Blues fans were fired up to rekindle some of the intensity seen in previous postseasons. They had split the regular season series against the Canucks (2-2) so there was at least a glimmer of hope.

No one realistically expected this team to make a sustained postseason run, but a win would have been nice. Instead they got steamrolled by the Canucks, with the 4th loss coming at the Scottrade, in overtime to make it just a little worse. So much for that glorious return to the playoffs.

We'll just go ahead and blame the captain, Eric Brewer for the whole thing. Fits in nicely with the theme of that era.

4.) 2009 Cardinals

Despite winning their division, the Cardinals were the team that got saddled with an opening round series against the top team in the NL, the 95-67 LA Dodgers. But, hey the Dodgers were probably just as pissed that the Wild Card came from their division because it meant they had to go through a rotation anchored by Chris Carpenter and Adam Wainwright in a short series to advance.

One out away from tying the series 1-1 and heading back to Busch, things took a bit of a turn when a routine flyball plunked Matt Holliday in the junk, setting up a Ryan Franklin meltdown and a 2-0 series lead for the Dodgers.

After beating two of the top three starters in the NL on back-to-back nights, Game Three was basically a formality. The Dodgers rolled 5-1 over Joel Pineiro and the Cardinals limped home, still winless in the postseason since 2006.

3.) 2011-12 Blues

It wasn’t necessarily the fact that the Blues got swept by the #8 seeded Kings, it was how they got swept that was depressing. After an awesome run in the regular season, it was as if an entirely different team showed up for round 2.

The defense sprung leaks in every game, Brian Elliot plummeted back to earth after his spectacular season, the power play was non-existent and they were thoroughly outplayed every step of the way.

After they were embarrassed in Game 2, at no point did it appear as if the Blues had any chance at making the series competitive. A painful end to an otherwise encouraging season.

2.) 2007 Mizzou Tigers

It wasn’t a sweep in a traditional sense, but when the best football team Mizzou had fielded in a quarter of a century lost its only two games of the season to the same team, it qualifies.

Unlike the ones above, the stakes were at an all time high for the Tigers going into the second game of the season series against Oklahoma. Ranked #1 in the nation after they defeated Kansas, a win against the Sooners in the Big 12 Championship game had them headed to the elusive BCS national championship game. The stakes were surreal to anyone that followed Mizzou football through their two decade-long “rough patch”.

The 31-17 beatdown the Tigers suffered was a crushing blow given the payoff had they won. But at least they got rewarded with a bid to the pretigious Cotton Bowl to end the season, because nothing caps off a tremendous season like a meaningless exhibition game.

1.) 2004 Cardinals

When it comes to depressing series sweeps in St. Louis, its hard to imagine that anything will ever come close to the 2004 World Series.

It was arguably the best Cardinals team in my life time, racking up 105 wins, advancing to their first World Series since 1987 after a dramatic NLCS against the Astros and facing the historically doomed Red Sox. Boston seemed to enter the series with two distinct paths to choose from – riding the momentum after their freakish comeback against the Yankees in the ALCS, or a vicious plunge back to reality after being drained by their 0-3 comeback.

I think we all know which one they chose. Not only did the Cardinals lose four straight, but to make it worse, they did not lead for a single inning. After all the drama in the NLCS, Cardinals fans never witnessed a single positive moment in the World Series.

To top it all off, Jimmy Fallon was running around Busch Stadium field celebrating on camera for the horrific mess they called “Fever Pitch”. The Cardinals were just a bit player in the Boston coronation.

At least Bill Buckner was off the hook.

The Mike Matheny "HEY GIRL" offerings...

Matt Sebek — Fri, 04 May 2012 15:55:00 GMT

Those familiar with our tomfooleries on Twitter have probably seen the Mike Matheny "Hey Girl" cartoons that we've rolled out the past few weeks.

To recap, Mike Matheny is a dashing fellow. We can agree about that. Now, the "Hey Girl" internet meme began a few years ago by imagining the romantic thoughts going on inside the head of actor Ryan Gosling. The internet is weird. But given Mike Matheny's rugged good looks, his appeal as the Cardinals manager and the copious amount of baseball puns out there, we decided to play ball. Hey-ooooo.

Anyway, here are the Mike Matheny HEY GIRL cartoons that have been created to-date.

Many had requested a consistent location. Women AND men, that is. Weirdos.

Cardinals supporter or human billboard? How about both

Josh Bacott — Thu, 03 May 2012 12:54:00 GMT

You're at your favorite custom printing shop, Cardinals jersey in hand, ready to place your order. It's decision time.

Do you show loyalty to your favorite current player, do you go throwback style and break out an 80's name or do you say screw it and put your own name on your back since you're fairly certain you'll never sign with another team?

This gentleman will go with Option D: turn yourself into a human Yellow Page advertisement:

Hey, you're spending some coin to pimp out a Cardinals jersey, you might as well go the route that potentially offers a return on that investment. It only takes one of the drunken goons that were sitting behind you during the game to pick up a DUI and there's a chance that baby just paid for itself.

Here we always thought that the back of a jersey was used as a billboard for self-expression. Now they're being used as billboards, literally.

(h/t Pat L.)

Remembering: The guy we got for Willie McGee

Josh Bacott — Wed, 02 May 2012 23:04:00 GMT

When the name Felix Jose comes up around a Cardinals fan, he isn't remembered as a young outfielder who spent the majority of his 11-year career in St. Louis, racking up over 1,200 plate appearances over three years. Or the guy who notched an All-Star appearance, led the league in outfield assists and finished second with 40 doubles all in 1991. None of that rings a bell.

Felix Jose is remembered for one thing:

August 29, 1990, the Cardinals were 16 games back in the NL East, dead last. Their offense was a mess with the exception of pending free agent McGee, who was hitting .335, enough to win him the batting title despite not finishing the season in the league. Whitey Herzog had bailed out after 80 games, leaving Red Schoendienst and Joe Torre to pick up the pieces of an aging team.

The 31-year old McGee was their only expendable asset at the trading deadline, so they packaged him up and shipped him to Tony LaRussa's Oakland A's in exchange for minor-leaguer Daryl Green, Stan Royer, and the jewel of the deal, rookie Felix Jose.

In 1991, Jose blossomed into one of the top offensive weapons on a team that finished second in the NL East behind the Pirates. He was the elder statesman of a young outfield that featured Bernard Gilkey and Ray Lankford. His OPS of .798 led the team, his 77 RBI was second behind only Zeile. Even scored himself a Diamond King.

After a solid 1992, the Cardinals leveraged Jose's potential to snag Gregg Jefferies from the Royals. The Felix Jose era in St. Louis was officially over.

Jose turns 47 today. In St. Louis, he's still remembered as the guy who we got for Willie McGee and, considering Willie's pristine status in Cardinals Nation, that's not really a bad legacy to have.

Never question our Cardinal fan hunting instincts...

Matt Sebek — Tue, 01 May 2012 21:48:00 GMT

As 30-year old sports bloggers, we have many cultural deficiencies. We're not most organized folks on the planet, our blood/Funyon levels are abnormally high and we would drape ourselves in thermal underwear if it were socially acceptable.

But never question our fan hunting instincts. They're honed. It's the end of April and we're performing as if playoffs are at stake.

As the Cardinals matched up against the Brewers in the final contest of a three-game series, a member of the JSF fan hunting continent alerted us to the following creature in the upper terrace at Busch Stadium.

Sometimes, the fan hunting game requires patience. It's a lot like bird watching, but with Busch Light and way more camouflage. Thus, we directed our apprentice to let the moment breathe. We've studied these creatures for years. Species indigenous to the upper tier of Busch Stadium with a desire to flaunt portliness rarely disappoint.

Our Sunday fan hunter waited for the moment to reveal itself, and boom, there it was.

Everyone has their place in this industry.

Our is #69 jersey intuition. We're like a fan hunting Nostradamus.

( Photos via @luv2kdz )

The Springfield Cardinals tried to sabotage the World Series trophy

Matt Sebek — Fri, 27 Apr 2012 19:50:00 GMT

The World Series trophy is racking up some serious frequent flier miles lately; traveling across the greater Midwest for the opportunity to appear in photos and attract germs from the general public. But it's not all glitz and glamor for the 45-year old. No no.

When your handler brings you into primo foul ball territory at a Springfield Cardinals game, bad things can happen. Or, at the very least, *almost* happen.